5 Tips to Guarantee You Don’t Get the Job

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In this economy, who really needs a job? Work is icky and offices are boring. So here are 5 tips to guarantee you don’t get the job before you even get an interview.

Proofreading Scmoofreading. Nothing says, “Read no further” like an unproofed cover letter. Try this opening from one my old covers, “Dead Hiring Manager, I’m writing to inquire about . . .” Never heard from that guy.

Key—what? Got your eye on a sweet job? Don’t bother yourself by customizing your cover letter and resume to include job post keywords. You are you! You are unique! And you are perfect for this job . . . just like the 2,000 other applicants. Seriously, keywords? Waist of time.

A thing and some stuff. A guy I once went on a date with reminded me of the importance of speaking vaguely when telling me he was disinterested in seeing me again, “Yeah, so I’ll . . . do . . .  stuff?” When applying for a target job, try using an objective like “I want to work in a place that pays me money to do stuff.”

Leave being professional to the professionals. Darthvader@hireme.com? Yeahright@winkyface.net.

Hey, pal! Approach hiring managers like they’re your best friend. That obnoxious combination of informality and smooth charmer usually leaves a lasting impression . . .

I’d wish you luck, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need it.

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